


Lost and Insecure

by lourryacoustic



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Band, Depression, Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love/Hate, M/M, Self Harm, larry stylinson - Freeform, maybe sexual things, one direction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-04
Packaged: 2018-02-27 23:25:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2710523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lourryacoustic/pseuds/lourryacoustic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He said he was scared of commitment but he had tattoos all over his skin, I guess he didn't see me as a work of art, or maybe he didn't think the pain was worth it." </p>
<p>"You two will be able to come out soon," "Don't worry, your love is strong, nothing will keep you two apart," "Larry Stylinson can overcome anything," </p>
<p>Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. What a load of bullshit. That's all Harry thought to himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1. harry

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This story is taking place in 2013.. a really dark time for Larry and Larry Shippers. (People assumed, including I, that larry had a breakup during this time period) Harry and Louis were both obviously depressed in that time. Louis got scarily thin, and never looked happy and if he did smile it never reached his eyes. Same with Harry.
> 
> So I'm writing this story in that time of place.. Every other chapter will be alternating between Louis and Harrys point of view. So you'll see what and how they both feel throughout their dark times.
> 
> (Note that this is all what I'm making up and although there may be some real moments i add in, this is all my imagination and I will be putting twists into this to make it interesting and my own)

Harry's point of view.

It feels as if my heart has been smashed, like glass, into millions of tiny tiny pieces. there's bits and pieces hidden in hard to find places, and although I can find the big obvious bits, it's impossible to clean it all up. I can cover up or deny that they are there, but they are there. They always will be.

I clamped my teeth over my bottom lip, squeezing my eyes shut tighter to hold in the tears that desperately wanted to spill.

But even when I close my eyes, the memory of the night before was on repeat in my head.

It was drilled into my skull. Tattooed in my soul. There was a constant reminder, the feeling was heavy and suffocating on my heart and chest.

I have cracked and crumbled until there was nothing left to break.

I stumbled out of the bed; the messy sheets getting tangled with my feet. I numbly bent down, leisurely slipping my feet out of the thin sheet.

My sweaty and stinky body was greeted by the cold draft that happen to come from the open window in the corner of the room.

The smell of him was everywhere and that made me ache even more.

As I dragged my quivering and weak body into the bathroom, I looked into the mirror to see the messy hair, that only reminded me of him.. which resulted in burning tears surfacing.

But I swallowed back the sob and turn on the sink. I spun the knob all the way to the right, waiting for the water to turn ice cold.

When it was, I cupped the chilly water in my hands, bending down, and splashing the cutting wintry water over my clammy face.

I shut the running water off before putting my dripping wet face with a towel. After turning the light off, I clambered back to my bed.

I buried my face into my pillow, pulling the blankets tighter around my aching body.

A whimper left my mouth when I breathed in the scent of him on my pillow.

The feeling of pain was unbearable, shooting through my body with an ever faint and sickening heartbeat.

My insides clenched and squirmed as it felt like my organs were being tangled together. It ripped through me making me want to cry out. My body felt like it was on fire, burning my flesh with a heart wrenching feeling. I wanted to scream, cry, to shout, anything that would let this pain ease.

But I couldn't move, I was immobilized, my body was chained down and I couldn't feel anything but the pain.

As I laid, curled in the pearl white duvet, I let the pain take over.

It felt as if it stopped at my chest, grabbing my heart and squeezing tightly. My chest feels constricted and I found it impossible to breathe.

But I didn't even put the effort into stopping it. I didn't gasp for air, or try to catch my breath. I didn't try to relieve it.

The pain coursed through my heavy body, ripping through me like knives slushing on my insides.

I wish I had never met him. I wish that I never fell hopelessly in love with him in the first few days of meeting him. I wish that I had never grown so attached and so accustomed to him. I wish I never met him but I did and I was never happier without him.

And now here I am, an empty void, a shell. Nothing laid between my image, I was just... dead.

My light has burnt out and the only thing left is this empty numbness.

What are you suppose to do with all the love you have for somebody if that person is no longer there? What happens to all that leftover love? Do you suppress it? Do you ignore it? Are you suppose to give it to someone else?

I could never love anybody else the way I love Louis. There is no possible way that my infatuation for him could be replaced.

I didn't want to move. I didn't to open my eyes. I didn't want to breathe. I didn't want to live.

What's the point of living if Louis doesn't love me anymore. What's the point of life without Louis?

A slight wave of nausea washed over me, making my already uneasy stomach flip and turn. I groaned, as I felt the need to vomit but couldn't find it in me to remove myself from this bed and walk to the bathroom.

I just wanted to die. I felt so ghostly. 

I can't find the correct words to describe how I feel right now, to be quite honest, but all I knew was I felt like someone snatched my life away from me and pulverized it until it no longer was a thing.

After what felt like hours, I deliberatly slipped out of the warm, delicate sheets. My bare feet hit the fridged hardwood floor, resulting in a wince and a whine.

It feels like a cold hard fracture in my chest. It feels as if it spread through my body, in slow drips aching with a slow pain. I feel incredibly heavy, so heavy and tired.

I haven't consumed any substance of food in many hours. But it;s okay though, I don't feel hungry. I feel full. Full of nothing but a titanic weight that's crushing me softly, it's hard to think, like I'm spending my efforts and strength to stay conscious.

Sometimes I feel incredibly light-headed, and the pain gets sharper, cold like the winds on a snowy winters night, it goes through my spine, my heart the center of it all, a pulsing center of pain. 

There was no getting my now fragile body to quit quivering. Even my bones were cold. My heart was cold. I was literally empty.

As I made my way into the bathroom, my stomach flipped again and before I knew it I was hunched over the ivory colored toliet, emptying whatever was left in my stomach from the day before.

Tears slipped from my puffy eyes. It burnt, almost as if I was crying acid. Sobs, once again, split passed the barricade inside of me, the heavy emotions shaking my body.

One time when I was eight I slept over my friend's house and that night we held back his mom's hair as she got sick over a broken heart into a trashcan at the foot of her bed and I didn't understand how someone could be so sad but right now, lying on the bathroom floor getting sick over him, I do.


	2. 2. louis

Louis's point of view.

He's better off without me.

I repeated over and over again in my mind, the words almost engraved inside my heart.

My eyes wandered to the dark liquor, now wavering slightly in the glass which was gripped in my shaking hand.

I brought the glass up to my lips, moistening them as the dark liquid streamed down my throat, giving off a burning feeling. My eyes squeezed shut tightly as the strong aroma momentarily made my head hazy.

They said a few drinks would help me forget him. Now here I am, wasted as fuck, yet the memory of him is as strong as before.

"Come on Louis, speak," Zayn begged, taking a swig from his drink. I saw him, out of the corner of my eye, watching me discreetly. As if I was a timebomb, ready to explode at any moment.

I closed my eyes, placing my clammy palm against my forehead.

Four glasses of liquor later and I'm still here with the fresh memory of Harry in my head. He won't leave. He's fucking glued to my mind and he won't leave me alone. I could never not love that boy no matter how forcefully I tried to forget him.

"This was the best situation to go through Louis, you know it," Zayn sighed, his finger tracing the rim on the cup.

I shook my head, tears burning my eyes. "I know, I just can't help but think this was the worst, you know?" I whispered.

Pain took over my body. It felt as if it stopped at my chest, grabbing my heart and mauling it. My chest felt constricted, I found it hard to breathe. But I didn't bother to stop it. I didn't gasp for breath, or try to relive it. I let it flow freely through my body.

I didn't even bother to notice that I was holding the glass of liquor too loosely and that it easily slipped from my hand.

The shards of glass sprayed up at my feet, the liquor dampening the ends off my denim jeans and wetting the vans that my feet were in.

I looked at the broken glass, the shameful puddle of alcohol staring back at me as I peered down at it.

Zayn shook his head, almost pitifully, waving over the bartender. "Another drink please?"

She nodded, offering me a sympathetic smile before fleeting off.

"It'll be okay Lou," Zayn insisted, his voice strained.

I gulped down the vile that raised up in my throat, my heart tightening in my tight chest. "Nothing feels like home when he's a thousand miles away,"

I dropped my head down, resting it on the dark, cherry wood bar table. I heaved in a breath, attempting to gain a little bit of oxygen in my empty chest. 

Tears leaked from my eyes, wetting my cheeks. But what else is knew? All I have been doing is crying, crying, crying. 

Zayn patted my back, his warm palm quickly seeping through my thin, black t-shirt. "Come on mate, we should go,"

He stood up, the loud shriek from the bar stool moving back made a slight pounding start in my head.

I turned slowly on the stool, the leather squeaking slightly as the material of my black jeans became unstuck from the previous position it had been stuck into for the past two hours.

I was seated in the seat I've been sitting in every night this week, and half of last, the only difference tonight was Zayn is here with me. His lame excuse was he wanted a drink but I knew well enough that the lads were worried about me. 

They know I have lost myself, and they could try as hard as they want but they won't make it any better. Only one person could regain my humanity and that one person and I will never be okay again. So I guess that means I'm lost forever.

The same burning liquor clawed my throat, the similar slightly hooded eyes staring into the dark expanse before them.

Zayn helped me off the seat, dropping money onto the table, before pulling me out of the bar.

I stumbled on my own feet, keeping my head down as we walked out into the dark, warm night.

Flashes from cameras, and roaring shouts from fans slapped me across the face.

Zayn brought us to the parked car, shoving me into the passenger seat.

My head hit the window, the cool glass contracting with my hot forehead. My body lunged forward when the car started.

"Why am I such a fuck up?" I slurred, tears falling freely down my face. "I'm such a failure,"

I heard Zayn take a sharp intake of breath. "Louis you are most certainly not a fuck up,"

I grabbed my hair with my hands, a throaty sob escaping my mouth. "I am, I really am. I'm a screw up, I just lost the boy that meant the most to me, b-because of how selfish I am,"

I couldn't see clearly, tears blurred my vision, and my body trembled with sobs. Pain. Pain was all I felt. It was engulfing me and all I wanted to do was claw it out but let it eat me alive at the same time.

"Louis calm down," Zayn pleaded, trying to keep his eyes on the road but glance at me at the same time.

"It's only been a week and a half without him and I can't function whatsoever. I feel so lost without him, like half of my heart, half of my soul was left behind when I left him," I wailed, slamming my hands onto the dashboard fiercely.

"You're drunk Louis, take it easy," Zayn insisted, rubbing my back as I leaned forward.

I ran my hands over my face. "I really want to be with him right now, I miss him so much,"

It's 1:43 in the morning and I wish I could have him pressed against my chest. I need to hold him in my arms again.

"I know you do," Zayn sighed, dragging his hand through his hair.

I hiccupped, wiping my face with my hands. "I can't help but miss him. I'm a shit person,"

"No you aren't, you did what you thought was best," he proclaimed, turning left.

I watched lackadaisically as left over rain drops cascaded down the window. 

"But did you see his face when I told him I didn't love him?" I cried, tugging at my hair. "No! You didn't. His face paled, pain literally flooded his eyes and he looked sick,"

"Maybe he feels like crap now but he'll move on Louis. You explained to me why you had to break up with him and that's a legitimate reason. You did the right thing," Zayn announced.

I let out a sob, "But the thing is, I told him I didn't need him, but fuck I need him so badly,"

I just feel so fucking empty almost like all of my organs and bones have dissolved and all the blood has drained from my veins and it's so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time.

"But Lou-" Zayn began but I opened my mouth before he could continue.

"What fucking hurts the most is he believed me. He believed me when I lied and said I didn't love him," I cried out, tears blending in with the sweat that stuck to my face. "did all those 'i love you's mean nothing? Does he think that all this time I never loved him?"

All that flashed through my mind was the night. The night, almost two weeks ago, when my life was shattered before me. I could never get that night out of my head. It's like it's tattooed to my mind. Such a torturous event, it broke a little part of me every time I thought of it.

"Louis what did you expect?" Zayn muttered almost inaudibly. "you told him shit that hit him harder than a punch in the face. You took his worse insecurities and slapped him in the face with it. You used them against him,"  
An inhuman noise slipped from my mouth as a wreck of sobs poured out. My body shook and my vision blurred. 

And for the first time in a long time I wanted to die.

"Shit.. sorry man I didn't mean it like that," Zayn cursed under his breath, parking the car in the back of the lot of the hotel we currently are staying at.

I couldn't find my voice, it was hidden behind the heart wrenching sobs that escaped. Without even noticing, Zayn was on my side of the car, and helped pull me out.

He guided me through the back entrance where I think Preston helped us inside without being seen. Zayn held up my body that was ready to give out any second, due to the cries that I couldn't compose.

I stuffed my face into his neck, clinging onto his shoulders as I sobbed. I couldn't stop, I felt like I was going to vomit and die all at the same time.

Before I knew it I was in Zayn's hotel room, I think, and he placed me onto his bed. Immediately I curled up and shoved my face into the ivory colored duvet, wishing that it would just swallow me up and let me disappear.

"You can sleep in my room tonight, I don't want to leave you alone bro," Zayn spoke delicately, pulling off the shoes on my feet, almost like I was a little child.

I nodded, choking out a thank you.   
Part of me felt incomplete, like part of me was missing. I miss him so fucking much I can feel it in my soul. "Make it stop," I cried, squeezing my eyes closed so tightly, I saw white spots.

"Make what stop Louis?" Zayn asked, sitting down beside me.

"Everything," I whimpered. "the pain, the loneliness, my breathing,"


	3. 3. louis

_Harry's point of view_

 

**tuesday, november 27th // 3:18 am**

**I've seemed to enjoy writing in this journal lately.. it's quite lovely to be able to express how I feel without even opening my mouth. It's currently 3:18 am and I feel so samn vulnerable and the cracks on my skin are getting bigger and i'm falling apart more and more and you were the glue that could fix me but fuck you have been gone for so long I have seemed to forget how it feels to be whole.**

**It fucking sucks because everyday I watch you slip your hand into Eleanors and I act like it affects me in no way but it hurts knowing that I will never be the one to make you happy anymore.**

**I try to forget you Louis, I really do but I can't. I have to see you everyday, smiling like nothing ever happened. Like you didn't lose me. We did always say this band comes before our relationship but it just really fucking hurts to see you walking around like you aren't affected by this. Maybe you really did, never love me.**

**Every nerve in my body could be damaged or numb, and I'd still be able to feel you.**

My eyes drooped and for once in a long time, I actually felt something other than pain. I felt tired, Not just an usual sleepy tired. No, I felt like I could just close my eyes and never awaken again.

I'm not sure if this is actually me speaking or the one too many sleeping pills I took not too long ago.

All I'm aware of is that my hand is shaking way to much for me to continue to write and my eyelids felt just as heavy as my heart.

With a light sigh, I dropped the black inked pen in the binding of the tarnish, mahogany journal and closed it up.

I glanced up, an irritating pain pulsing through my neck from keeping it in the same position for far too long, and took a look around the dark tour bus we were currently occupying.

I stood up languidly, the bones in my knees cracking as I unbent them. I, as softly as I could, walked out of the lounge room and to the bunk beds, easily slipping into the bottom bunk I picked.

My eyes wandered to Louis's bunk but before I got catch a glimpse of him, I slipped into my bunk and shut the curtain.

Placing the journal under my pillow, I eased my body under the many, warm blankets and pulled them around my body as I curled up into a ball.

I just want to start over. I want to sleep forever. I want to be happy. I want Louis.

 

"Harry," A soft voice soothingly drifted me out of sleep.

I was gaining conciousness but I couldn't find it in me to open my eyes.

"Harry we need to leave soon, we have a meeting," Liam proclaimed. I felt the bed dip, which was an indication that he sat down beside me.

I let out a soft groan, wrapping the blankets tighter around my lifeless body. My head was throbbing, for the reason I probably took one too many sleeping pills the previous night.

It didn't even frighten me, one bit, that I didn't feel one ounce of worry that I may have not woken up this morning.

That's really all that goes through my mind anymore. Death.

My eyes pealed open, carefully, I almost gave Liam a confused look because of the unusual surroundings around me but then I remembered we moved back into the tour buses and I was currently in the small, but oddly comforting bunk.

I stared right at Liam, searching for something to say but failing miserably like usual.

Liam frowned, placing his hand on my back, watching me with worrying eyes. "Harry," he faintly spoken. "its been four months since..." he trailed off.

I shut my eyes quickly, squeezing them shut as if I was trying to keep out any thought that floated through my mind. But like always, everything hit me at once. "Since what Liam?" I croaked, deliberately opening my eyes again to numbly stare at the figure beside me.

"Since what happened and you're still.." he trailed off again.

I huffed, pulling the blankets down a very little bit to reveal more of my face. "What are you trying to say Liam? Spit it out," I spoke with annoyance.

He frowned once again, which seemed to be a normal thing now. "You said his name in your sleep, again,"

I cursed faintly under my breath. "Did he hear?"

Liam shook his head. "He was still asleep,"

I let a sigh of relive out, letting my eyes droop closed.

"I'm worried about you Harry. We all are," Liam whispered.

"Please," I gently pleaded. "please leave me be. I'm fine," I muttered, my heart thumping a little quicker than normal.

My skin felt sweaty, my clammy hands stinking to the sheets.

My chest felt empty, but my mind clearly wasn't.

I'm the farthest from fine. I don't remember the last time a day passed where I didn't daydream about dying. 

"Why don't you take a shower mate?" Liam suggested. "it could help clear your mind. Showers can wash away anything. Dirt, tears, him,"

A whimper slipped from my mouth as my eyes connected with his. "That's bullshit. I have spent hours sitting in the shower trying to wash away the remains of him but every time I close my eyes I can still feel his touch on my back and his voice telling me he loves me," 

Liam's eyes softened with a mix of sympathy and pity. "Harry.."

I scoffed, nudging his thigh with my knee. "I don't need pity Liam,"

"I'm not pitying you Harry.. It's just yesterday you seemed pretty happy so we thought you were on the path of getting better," Liam shrugged, sadness wavering in his eyes.

"You can still feel dead with a beating heart and a pounding chest Liam. Yes, yesterday I was a little happy but that was because for once, my mind was directed away from  _him_ ,"

Liam opened his mouth to speak, but I shook my head and sat up. "It's not worth it, I'm a lost cause," 

I slipped out of the bunk, my bare feet landing on the chilly floor. I bent down to the drawer underneath my bed and snatched a pair of black jeans and a black t-shirt before heading towards the bathroom.

Before walking inside the bathroom my eyes landed on Louis who was laying across one of the black leather couches with an xbox controller in his hands.

For a moment, I'm almost positive my heart cut short. 

A wavering emotion washed over his eyes before they turned dead, leaving a cold feeling inside my heart. 

It's hard not to feel empty when the same eyes that looked at you as if you were made of entire universes now looked right through you.

With a sigh, I trudged into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. My skin felt tingly, but not in the good way. Not like the thrilling feeling when you first kiss someone or someone you really like smiles at you. No, this is the gross kind of way that almost makes you feel like tearing and ripping off your skin.

I placed down my clothes on the counter of the sink before snatching a towel from the petite closet. Placing that down beside my clothes, I stepped over to the shower and turned it on.

I stripped off the clothes I was wearing, the chilly air nipping at my exposed skin. 

I wandered into the shower, releasing a sigh of relief as the scorching hot water hit my skin. I fully stepped under the shower hose, relishing the sweltering water that coaxed my pale skin.

I stood under the water, letting it run down my body as my mind drifted off. 

This is all so fucked up. I can't move on no matter how hard I fucking try, he is fucking everywhere I go. He's honestly all I ever think about and it's driving me insane. He doesn't want me. He hasn't wanted me for four months. He probably has never fucking wanted me.

I wasted so many years loving him so fucking much when he never even cared. He never even loved me.

Pain isn't scraping your knee or breaking your arm or stubbing your toe. It's the feeling you get when he pops into your head when you least expect it and you picture his eyes and his smile and pain is knowing you may never be the reason he's happy. Pain is knowing that everyone makes him happier than you ever could. 

I will never mean anything to him and that's so fucked up because he lead me on for so long. Lead me on to think that I made him as happy as he made me. He lead me on thinking that I was his everything. When really, I was nothing. I am nothing. I never will be anything.

I was too far into thought to notice when my tears blended into the water falling from the shower hose and I was way too involved with my thoughts to pay attention to the heart wrenching sobs that fell from my mouth.

My hands are shaking and I can't quite catch my breath and I feel like I'm drowning because I will never be to him what the sun is to the earth.

I leaned against the moist shower wall, not even flinching when the bitter cold tile contracted with my broiling hot back. The sobs were too heavy to calm down, my body convulsed and I seemed to be shaking way too much to even breathe.

I just want to forget the way his hand felt when it skimmed up and down my back. I want to forget the scent of his breath when he kissed me goodnight. I want to forget how beautiful and loved he made me feel. I want to forget it all but I can't because the marks you left on my heart have been transferred to my skin and they're bright red. I cannot forget him and I hate it.

Four months it's been and my heart hurts a little bit more than it did yesterday and a little bit less than it will tomorrow.

There was a knock on the bathroom door, which was faintly heard over my sobbing and the running water.

"Harry? Are you okay?" Zayn called through the door, worry laced through his tone.

"I'm fine, I'll be out in a minute," I managed to speak out.

But I'm not fine. I never will be.

**Author's Note:**

> Ah so this is my first time using ao3 so lets see how well this works!
> 
>  
> 
> Let me know what you think :)
> 
> -Nicole x


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